Healthy marriages require time, attention, energy, and vigilance. Its not realistic to think that you can have a super marriage without effort on your part. It pays to be observant, to ask questions when you dont understand something, and to notice changes in behavior, tone of voice, and attitude. Communication experts have found that only seven percent of our communication is verbal, while the other ninety-three percent depends on body language and tone of voice. Thus, it only makes good sense to pay attention to much more than just the actual words a spouse says. There are ten danger signals that can help you to head off trouble in your marriage before problems become more serious. Pay attention when: 1. Your spouse acts upset but says Nothings wrong when you ask, yet youre sure theres more to it. Trust your intuition about this. Females in particular are prone to say Nothing when asked Whats wrong? This often indicates that there is something they need to say, but they dont feel comfortable saying it. Work on creating a safe environment for the sharing of mutual concerns. 2. You ask your spouse about something and get a listless, barely audible Okay, thats fine, but the tone doesnt sound sincere. This response is similar to number one. Whats usually obvious from the tone of voice and other non-verbal communication is that most assuredly something is wrong. Everything is not fine. And if that something doesnt come out into the open where it can be resolved, it will pop up later and cause difficulties. 3. Your spouse is unusually anxious or agitated when you walk in unexpectedly while he or she is on the computer. It may just be a coincidence, but it could also be that your partner is involved in doing something that he or she doesnt want you to see. To know if its nothing or if something is brewing will take observation over a period of time. Becoming involved with someone online isnt harmless, as some spouses will claim. It robs a marriage of commitment and focused energy, plus it can lead to an affair in real time. 4. You observe that your spouse is being secretive about cell phone calls or text messages. Sometimes spouses will find a partner hiding in the closet or locked in the bathroom talking on the cell phone. This is certainly something to pay attention to, but dont jump to conclusions. Just observe for awhile. Sometime theres a rational explanation such as a spouse who is making secret calls to set up a surprise birthday party for the partner. But if thats not the case, the secret calls could be a signal that your marriage is in danger. 5. Your spouse has a significant change in moods, enjoyment of life, socialization patterns, or grooming/appearance. A spouse can become depressed and sometimes the partner doesnt put the clues together to realize whats happening. The spouse who is feeling depressed may experience changes in sleep patterns, eating, appearance, and hygiene. There may also be uncharacteristic isolation from friends and family, as well as crying spells or loss of interest in things that used to bring pleasure. If this happens, its time to consult with your spouses physician. 6. You realize that your spouse is developing a pattern of trying to avoid going to bed at the same time you do and sleeping in the same bed with you. Numerous wives have shared in counseling that they deliberately stay up later than their husbands to avoid sex. Or they say that a child wont go to sleep unless they lie down with them. Often, then, the parent ends up going to sleep in the childs room, giving the excuse that they didnt want to wake the partner or that they fell asleep without meaning to. The warning sign comes when this turns into a nightly pattern, not an occasional occurrence. 7. You realize that you dont know who your spouse really is any more. This is certainly a wake-up call that its time to make your marriage a top priority. Youll want to spend extra time together talking and sharing from the heart. One common lament marriage counselors hear is, He (or she) doesnt really know me. Im just a paycheck to her (or just someone who keeps the house clean and takes care of the kids). Take the time to find out what your spouse is really thinking and feeling. 8. Your relationship feels stale and dull. If this stage continues, both you and your spouse could be more susceptible to the lure of an affair. Deliberately schedule plans to do new things and go new places, and of course, look at how you could spice up your sex life with your partner. Do you need to trade off babysitting time with a friend so you can leave the kids and take a weekend trip with your spouse? Or let the friend keep the kids while you and your partner stay home alone? 9. You find yourself co-existing in the same house with your spouse but never really connecting. When this happens, its time to schedule a time each day to sit, talk, share feelings, hold hands, hug, and reconnect. You cant afford to lose your feeling of closeness and bonding with your partner. Cut back on extra activities and immediately make your marriage your priority. Without emotional intimacy, your marriage will lose its momentum and passion. 10. You realize your sense of fun and joy has been replaced by resignation and complacency. Its time to shake things up. Have you gotten in a rut? Turn things upside down and put some variety in your marriage. Maybe its time for those dance lessons your wife has been begging you to take with her. Or maybe its time to go on that camping trip your husband has been talking about for months. Whatever you do, dont just sit thereplan something fun! |
